Thursday, November 18, 2010

Best Place to Eat a Popscicle

Is "Cheese Melter" a code word?

What possesses people to stand in the aisle of a busy restaurant with a blank look on their face? Did all the motion confuse them?

I do not care HOW senile you are. Sandals and socks are NOT OK.

I think the employee allergies are stemming from all the "old people dander" that's floating around in here.

Why do the Hash Browns contain wheat? That's unnatural and suspicious.

Favorite thing I've heard from a customer (said with absolute authority):
The best place to eat a Popsicle? Bathtub!

You can sign out now. You've caused enough damage.

4 huge glasses of pop. Are you reconstituting yourself or making sure you get every penny's worth?

I'm sorry. Company policy does not allow for the return of your salad because you are too full now.

If I see one more person devour a packet of jelly with their spoon, I may put on my stern face.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Sit Where you're Told. Please.

I wonder at the science behind pre-work lovin' and the excellent gratuities that follow.

Oh, look! You can snap your fingers! I'm on my way to show you what I can snap.

Sit where you're told and no one gets hurt.

I don't want to go out there.

You are a whole new brand of needy!

How can you be allergic to herbs AND spices? The Colonel is rolling in his grave!

Is drinking hot chocolate through a straw a good idea? Really??

Yep. I work here so I can score a date. With you!

I did meet my husband while waitressing. Don't tell. We don't want to keep any hope alive.

I actually LOVE my job.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Are Your Biscuits Tasty?

Are your biscuits tasty?

It makes my whole day when that frisky old dude calls me Suga' pie.

It adds a little spring to my step when his friend gives me a playful thwack with his cane.

Sure, I'll go get you a take out box for your TINY-ASS bite of pie!

We'll be closed from 12-7 on Monday for the installation of a walker corral.

Old people blow their nose alot!

Why do they keep the tissue up their sleeves?

I can see that your salt shaker workout is really paying off!

The pie case is NOT my tummy's personal playground? I beg to differ.

Can't eat eggs because you're lactose intolerant? But banana cream pie is fine? You make my eye twitch.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Freak Accident

I hope there is never a freak accident involving pie. At least not on the news and not with my name attached to it.

What's the point of sugar free syrup? Is it so the pancakes only make your ass a
little bigger?

My day is incomplete unless I've dipped at least one of "my girls" in whipped cream.

The Parsley Lobby must consist of Thugs and Ne'er do wells. I can not imagine restaurants would use this pointless crap uncoerced.

The customers can not hear what is said in the pantry. Right? I mean..there is the "cone of silence". Right?

Why would a person accentuate their ugly with a gaudy kerchief?

I can tell that the girl at table #60 is a stripper by the way she approaches her dining experience.

The stripper at #60 is also the one who got whacked by the ugly stick. I know. I don't get it either. It must be really dark in the club!

Without my name tag on I am lost and confused.

Has anyone at the corporate office ever even been in a restaurant?

How does whipped cream keep ending up on my ass?

You are my ONLY customer.

How does your pie taste?

The customer is not always right. I do not know why this lie is being perpetuated. It does no one any good at all.

Waitressing has been in my family many millennia. Our woman have evolved larger breasts for the sole purpose of counter-balancing the weight of a tray.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Unidentifiable Sauce and Disillusionment

I am sweaty and sticky. I am wearing whipped cream, some unidentifiable sauce like stuff and smell of disillusionment and unfulfilled dreams. I learned things today that I can never unlearn. Ever. I feel my work is done. Goods news is that my headache is gone. I am clocking out. No more waitressing today.

Friday, April 9, 2010

That's a Sandwich

Ketchup is a condiment, not a blanket for your food.

If you are going to stiff me, have the decency to tell me I'm pretty first.

You are no longer a cougar if you use a walker. Please remove the zebra-striped fur from the hand grips.

That's a sandwich. Eat it. Don't make love to it.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Another Day at the Office

Coffee does not get cold in the thermos. It will stay hot for 10 hours or better.

Coffee does not get "burnt" in a thermos. Don't tell me it tastes burnt. Reality. Taste reality. Grrr.

Do people really expect a single place to cater to their gluten, fat, sodium, sugar, IBS, carb and dairy restricted diets? EAT AT HOME! IT'S A PIE SHOP! WITH PANCAKES AND FRIED FOOD AND CHEESE and BREAD!

No! I will not take the 5 almond slivers off the top of your banana cream pie. Lazy ass. Get to picking.

If I arrive at a table to do my job...(feed the hungry customer)...why don't they stop talking and acknowledge my presence? Is it really a surprise that I need to talk to them?

I just wonder why the people who look at me with their heads cocked sideways in puzzlement always tip me the most. I must confuse them and they leave too much money.

If a customer has the time and desire to complain that someone else's piece of pie does not have crumblies on the top like the picture does...HOLY SHIT! They have tooooooo much time on their hands. It's obvious they need more problems.

If you cannot pronounce focaccia even after I have said it twice...well, I am going to have to judge you.

Do not tip less than you pay in tax. The Karmic results are nothing less than tragic.

If your requests are so weird that you know you should warn me, then I like you extra. No worries!

The stuff in the pink packets is Nutra Sweet. Or sweet death. It is not pink sugar. Dumbass.

My customers may, at any time feel feel to ask me if I am going to college. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. Thank you table #22. :)

If a person does not work for the company, they should not be in the back of the house. I take no responsibility for anything they see or hear at that point.

Yes, my mother named me well.

No I am not really an Angel.

Yes, I am trying to live up to it. It is a process.

Ill tempered people do not get the big piece of pie. Oh yes, they are not cut equally.

For the love of all that is good and holy in the world, DO NOT order hot water with lemon. It's stupid and we want to charge you for it.

If anyone chooses to display any oddity in their characters via their food...I will take a picture and share it with others.

If you make your child say please and thank should too.

Eating out is for happy people who want to have a good time.